If you travel frequently, you would have noticed the peculiarities of the in-flight announcements. From the stern announcements made by the Captain, to the endless welcomes. Join Jonar with Phil and Bruce as they exchange their observations about travel and the funny things that happen along the way. To listen to an excerpt from the radio broadcast, click on the green arrow below.
Here is a transcript of the audio file.
Host: Hello Jonar Nader how are you and where are you?
Jonar Nader: I went up to Geraldton and then spent some time in Perth and I’m back in lovely cool Sydney. Am I rubbing that in?
Host: Yes you are. Is it warm up there tonight.
Jonar Nader: No it’s glorious!
Host: Well, it’s 31 degrees down here.
Jonar Nader: Oh don’t whinge, we get the 40 plus. In my travels it is so hard not to be observant. Have you noticed when a captain (pilot) speaks to you, he always speaks like his lips can’t move due to some botox treatment, like it is all so serious up here I can’t smile. Then a lady has to come on and tell us what he just said.
Host: and nobody looks at the her when she pulls the straps
Jonar Nader: I was once in business class and and I was the only one. She looked at me, and I looked at her then she said ‘oh please’, because I normally don’t look.
What about the hostesses getting older. Have you noticed?
Host: It must mean that you’re getting older.
Jonar Nader: I remember years ago, they were always young girls.
Host: They are at Virgin, very much so, and they do the friendly, ‘hello boys, girls’, very friendly and open.
Jonar Nader: Yes but it used to be a profession that did attract young girls. Is it due to anti-discrimination?
Host: There always were young girls but there was also a matronly type of woman who was in charge; she looked like the head nurse.
Jonar Nader: She was the one who had the best elocution lessons.
Host: she did too.
Jonar Nader: What about when they reiterate things like ‘No electronic devices – whatsoever’.
Host: What does it mean – whatsoever.
Jonar Nader: No heart pacemakers!
What about en mass greetings like the staff at such and such airlines wish all our customers a very happy Christmas, and you wonder who is sitting in which back room wishing this.
Host: We are with Jonar and we’re travelling and the idiosyncrasies of the air.
Jonar Nader: What about ‘with compliments’, and the ‘with compliments slips’, which usually mean that what I am about to send comes with my compliments. Now they even attach them to invoices!
How about when they say ‘we apologise for any inconvenience’. When they say for ANY inconvenience, what they’re actually saying is that we do not believe there has been any but if you think there has been any we apologise for any.
Host: What about when you’re stuck and the plane won’t take off and they don’t tell you WHY!!
Jonar Nader: Then they tell you something technical – so what do they want me to do about it? I wonder if they are obliged by law to tell you what’s wrong but even if you say ‘I’ve changed my mind, I’m scared, I want to get off’, they won’t let you.
Then of course she walks around and says would you like a newspaper and you say ‘no no no’ but the guy next to you says ‘yes’. He opens it then, all of a sudden, you are interested in the news.
When listening to the news and I heard about a new law about cats and the announcer said something like ‘that will get the cat lovers CLAWS out’; or news about a cyclist who was a drug dealer and they said ‘a cyclist who was PEDDLING drugs’, and I thought they are just dying for a pun.
Host: Just getting back in the air though, if you went down in the sea and the inflatable life raft surrounded us, this is the whistle you blow- you’re in the middle of the indian ocean and you have a whistle?
Jonar Nader: Yes with the waves and the woosh and the screams. Don’t you love the ‘Don’t panic’? At what point are we allowed to panic? I have never been in any situation where anyone has permitted me to panic! You can imagine a screaming throng but the guy says ‘don’t panic’ they all just sit down and say well it must be alright then.
Host: We are hurtling towards the earth at a thousand miles an hour and we look for these little lights on the aisle to guide us out. Have you ever been asked to sit in the emergency isle where you might have to take part in emergency procedures.
Jonar Nader: Yes, you have to agree – not that you know what you are letting yourself in for.
Host: Well you have to open the window if necessary on the wing. How many movies have you seen Jonar where the pilot is shot and the air hostess can bring that plane in.
Jonar Nader: You know in this day and age you can do that but in the good ol days when she had the headset and they said ‘find the throttle 7P1, press 3’, and she always came through. But today you can actually do that because it is all automated.
Host: Jonar thank you it’s been good fun as we have travelled with Jonar Nader author of the book ‘How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Your Boss’.