Jonar Nader, the author of ‘How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People’ speaks about why relationships fail, and what we should be doing before we get married. Jonar also wrote ‘How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Lovers’. Click here for more information about this book.
There are two videos below. The second one is of a higher quality for those with high-speed internet connection. The first video is 13 Mb. The second is 25 Mb. Video length is 7 minutes and 30 seconds. Further below is a transcript of the video.
Here is the transcript:
Paul: I’m lost. What the hell are we talking about here?
Paul: He is the author of How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People, How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Your Boss, and this book, How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Lovers. He calls himself a corporate and social warrior, dedicated to teaching others how to live a zestful and enchanting life. And Jonar is here with us this morning. Jonar, good morning.
Jonar Nader: Paul, good morning.
Paul: I have been losing friends and infuriating lovers all my life.
Jonar Nader: Yes. You know, often people say to me, ‘Oh, I could have written that book.’ Any book I write, they say, ‘Oh, I could have written that book.’ Because yes, we all experience these horrible …
Paul: But that’s the knack, isn’t it. You got to write about things that people experience.
Jonar Nader: Absolutely.
Paul: This obviously isn’t to teach people how to lose friends and infuriate lovers because people don’t really heart of hearts want to do that. They want to avoid that. So, this book really about avoiding that.
Jonar Nader: You know, it’s about understanding the opposites of your life. Because all our lives we’re taught how to win friends and influence people. How to be patient? How to be tolerant? And we all want the good things in life. And if you want goodness, you have to know what evil and terrible and horrible things are. So, if you want honesty in the workplace and you don’t know how dishonest people fiddle the books, you’re going to lose. If you want peace in your country and you don’t know how to fight, you’re going to lose. So, if I wrote a book about how to fight, they’d think, ‘Oh, we don’t want to teach people how to fight…’
Paul: So, you teach people to recognize evil in themselves and others I suppose?
Jonar Nader: Yes, and a lot of it is intangible and that’s the trouble. I mean, isn’t it fascinating that later somebody said, ‘Oh, I didn’t know my husband was a serial killer.’
Paul: Yes, yes.
Jonar Nader: You lived with him for 20 years. So, the question is how do you recognize it before it hits you because everybody is an expert after it hits. So that people would look at this in the question of relationships, do you think the world advanced so much? We have every gadget under the sun and yet, we come down to this question of relationships and divorce rates are and they are huge. People go to bed crying. And you think why haven’t we sorted this out yet? How intelligent are we? And it all starts because of the truth that I believe that love is blind. And when it’s blind, you don’t see.
Paul: Jonar, how do you know this? Have you had a love wracked life? Have you?
Jonar Nader: You know, often people say, ‘Do you write a book because it’s biographical in some way?’ I know this because I have dealt with so many people and I started out in corporate life thinking the problems were with leadership and management. And true, that’s a big problem. Then we got into the question about the problem in your life is that you haven’t got a direction with your career and your education. And then when we sorted that out, all my clients started saying, ‘Well, I’m still unhappy.’ What’s the matter now? Oh, and it all really comes down to the bottom line…
Paul: So, all those other things really were not the issues?
Jonar Nader: Oh, they were issues but weren’t the core.
Paul: The core.
Jonar Nader: And I couldn’t unravel it.
Paul: So, what is the core?
Jonar Nader: Well, it’s A) your maturity. I don’t know how people continue to mature. I think most people stop maturing. They think when they reach 18, that’s it. And they go to the gym to get the muscle right. They go to the botox person to get the hair right and the face right. Where do we keep going on a weekly basis to get the heart right? You really must understand the question. If you don’t understand the question, you’ll never understand the answer. But people are searching for answers and don’t know what the question is.
Paul: What is the question?
Jonar Nader: Well, the question is…
Paul: I’m lost! You’ve dug a hole and pushed me in. I’m lost. What the hell are we talking about here?
Jonar Nader: Do you see what I’ve done? I’ve created a vacuum and now you want to know.
Paul: Yes.
Jonar Nader: Yes. And the answer to …
Paul: Gosh you’re clever.
Jonar Nader: Yes. Unless you ask, I can’t tell you. And now that you’ve asked, I can tell you. The answer really is in the question of relationships, due diligence. Ask yourself. What does my bank want from me when I ask for a $100,000 loan? And check the paperwork that the bank wants from you.
Paul: Now, this is interesting that you said this because you think marriage is illogical. If you read this book, you actually think marriage is illogical. That we do it – we just don’t even think about it. We’re just doing a stupid thing.
Jonar Nader: Well, I love the idea of marriage except that we don’t really know what we’re doing because you are starting to fantasize about the house on the hill and picket fence and you love the person’s look and feel and touch and so on. But you don’t even know what’s behind it. And do you know that that person is a gambler? Oh, only later when your whole house is corrupted. You go, ‘Well, I didn’t know he gambles. I just thought he went out.’ So, when are we going to sit down and say, ‘Excuse me, we will get married. Are you a gambler? Because if you are, say no, I don’t want to marry.’
Paul: Because this comes back to the due diligence thing that you brought up before. So, what you’re saying is – because you use – in the book, you use the example of the house for instance. We do a lot of due diligence before we buy a house but the person we’re buying it the house with, we know nothing about them, do we?
Jonar Nader: No. And have you ever asked their ex for an interview? I mean, would you ever say to a lover, ‘Excuse me, with whom were you in love before and I’d like to meet them?’ And they go, ‘Oh, no don’t.’ You go, ‘Well, if you’re going for a job interview, they ask you where did you work?’
Paul: References. Give me some references.
Jonar Nader: Yes, absolutely. And with the …
Paul: But people are never going to do that.
Jonar Nader: Well, but look at the divorce rate. Look at the agony. Have you been in a household where people are tearing each other apart and they go to work and school and everyday they wish they were dead?
Paul: But having said that – I mean, and yes you can point those things out. But people are never going to do due diligence on a lover. I mean, you’re never going to meet someone and you say, ‘I’m becoming attracted to you but before I take this any further, could you give me a list of former lovers?’
Jonar Nader: Well, first of all, you probably can’t do it because you’re blind to it. When you’re in love, you’re blind. That’s why you have family. That’s why you go …
Paul: So, the family do it for …
Jonar Nader: Well, look at the traditions were there. We have all these horrible traditions of wearing white and standing there and the priest says, ‘Does anyone know any reason or course why these people shouldn’t be joined together?’ And you say to the priest. ‘You mean now? You’re asking me this?’
Paul: Yes. Is it a bit late?
Jonar Nader: Yes, I don’t think they should get married.
Paul:
Jonar Nader: I’m just here because I got invited.
Paul: Yes, I’m waiting for the free meal.
Jonar Nader: I mean …
Paul: All right. No, you make a good point. And actually, this is why – this is why the whole matchmaking thing often works very well and people say, ‘It’s incredible they’ve never met but they get on so well and they’re married forever.’ It’s because someone else has done due diligence.
Jonar Nader: Well, your parents should, your family should – but the law doesn’t allow it because you have this Privacy Act. So, you need to sign a privacy release up-front so I can really check if you are bankrupt …
Paul: God, you really are sucking the fun out of lover, aren’t you?
Jonar Nader: Do you want to be my friend or don’t you?
Paul: All right. So, that’s the book. How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Lovers. Now, I hadn’t intended to talk so long about the book because let’s face it, people can buy the book and read it for themselves, can’t they?
Jonar Nader: Correct.
Paul: It will be on sale in the next few days if it isn’t already. You have a fascinating life and I wanted to spend most of the time talking about your life. You are described as an author, a journalist, the lecturer, philosopher, futurist, consultant and a corporate and social warrior. How do you have time to come in here and talk to me?
Jonar Nader: It’s because I’m so efficient. I do everything only once. So, I don’t fuss about. And I know what I want and what I’m doing…
I grew up in a war-time situation, you know, in Beirut where death was just five minutes away and people were popping and dying all over the place.
Paul: So, how has that shaped you?
Jonar Nader: It made me love every minute of everyday and I realized that maybe I won’t be here tomorrow. And when you live with the sense of now is wonderful and now is beautiful and I may not be here tomorrow, then when someone is wasting your time and wasting your life, its actually – it’s a wonder I’m still alive, not because of the war but because of the time I speak up in the street when I see something or someone doing something. I say, ‘Hey, what’s this about?’ So, when I say, I’m social warrior, I’m actually is sticky-beak busy body. I’ll defend the lady who’s bag is stolen.
Paul: You’re proactive.
Jonar Nader: Yes. I mean, I run after bag snatchers and every security person says, ‘That’s stupid. He could have a knife.’ And I go, ‘Well, if we don’t do something, we will continue to be overtaken.’
Paul: Yes. Jonar, thank you very much for coming.
Jonar Nader: Thanks Paul.
Paul: It’s just one of the many books that you’ve written. How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Lovers. So yes, you could go out and buy it. If you’ve been enamored buy Jonar, then you’ll be enamored by his book.
Jonar Nader: Thank you very much.
Paul: Thanks for joining us.
Female Speaker: I am so enamored by Jonar.
Paul: I know. He’s amazing. But don’t go over the top. We don’t – we haven’t done due diligence. We might be a crazy freak, you know. We haven’t – we haven’t sorted that out.
Female Speaker: I don’t care, I like him.
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