The following are approximately the first 1000 words from Chapter 15 of Jonar Nader’s book, How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Lovers.

Steady-on sweetie:

The anatomy of rage

Pain has a tendency to stretch time. When we are not at ease, it’s as if the whole world plods in slow motion. Luckily, in most situations, medication can offer relief from intolerable physical pain. Not so with emotional anguish — short of zonking ourselves silly.

Heartache can be debilitating. Sprinkle some stress into the pot, and emotional agony can manifest into an excruciating physical ailment, and vice versa. In these situations, harmony becomes a valued proposition… anything to calm the waters. And nothing warms a chilled heart better than sinking into the arms of a lover. The tender kiss becomes the magical elixir. All cares fade away, and the morning unfolds in full gloss.

When some of us find that ‘special someone’, we put it down to blessings, co-incidence, or synchronicity. As we orbit around their planet, every day becomes an adventure, and every embrace provides a powerful recharge that triggers colourful fireworks and celebratory fanfare.

All along, we were searching for someone whose rhythm is at one with ours, and we find it! We pray for compatibility-of-spirit, and we receive it! We plead for suitability, and voilà, it’s perfect. They like what we like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same flavours. Simpatico. What bliss. The person we love is perfect in
every way… except one.

We were so busy searching for someone to fit the blueprint, that we forgot to check the scale. Now that we have concluded the deal, we realise that they are larger than life. They are louder, brighter, more intense, and what some might call ‘full on!’ Next to them, we appear to be their bonsai — their miniature. We are alike in every way. They are everything we are, except that they are more of it. More forceful, more energetic, more dynamic. And that’s all jolly good, until it comes to being more inflamed, more incensed, and more enraged.

Volume and intensity do not augur so well with rage and fury. So what happens when our lover, who is delightful in every way, is more than a little excitable? We try to calm them down. We reach for a bucket of cold water and we urge restraint. We patronise them with soothing words, and we plead for calmness. So we say: steady-on sweetie… it’s not worth it… let me handle that… no need to shout… no need to get upset… it’s not good for you… keep your hat on… simmer down… give it up… let it go… come over here… you are embarrassing me…

They respond: now you’ve done it… you’ve crossed the line… you’ve fanned the flames… you are just as bad as they are… don’t speak to me… go away… you are just like the rest of them… you don’t understand… leave me alone… you are embarrassing me…

And there you have it: an impasse… a stalemate… a Mexican stand-off!

This chapter is designed to help you to understand the anatomy of rage. It offers suggestions about how to cope with it, and how to help others to tone it down. If your lover operates at a higher volume, the first thing you must do is understand that, behind every fit of rage, is a very good reason. If you show no appreciation for the root-cause, you will drive your lover from rage to madness. So, show a little sympathy, and take an interest in the bigger picture.

Much of life is about growing. When we are not growing, we are withering. Rage, which is seen as an unhealthy reaction within life’s jungle, is triggered in everyone, including logical, observant, and conscientious people, when they assess that someone has unfairly placed obstacles in their path. They do not mind working hard to conquer difficulties, but they cannot cope with incompetence that slows them down. They don’t mind taking risks, but they refuse to allow idiots to complicate their life for no other reason than sheer unadulterated stupidity or insensitivity.

Those who lack empathy and sympathy tend to contribute to other people’s acrimony.

Almost everyone has a certain hot-button that, when pressed, sparks nervous tension akin to plucking at a raw nerve. Each of us nurses a sore whose bandage, when ripped off, causes distress that ranges from irritation to fury, and spans from rage to violence.

Some years ago, when the headline news told of a man who sent six letter-bombs to a government department, my first thought was: what did those officials do to that poor man, that made him so mad, that he had to resort to such dire tactics? Imagine the frustration that he must have suffered, that led to his criminal behaviour. Surely some of the officials had a part to play in that man harbouring such boundless fury. On the other hand, it could well be that the officials did nothing out of the ordinary. Perhaps they infuriate every client through the same measure of tedium, but this man was less tolerant than most.

I know a young lady who will go into battle against anyone who does not end a request with ‘please’. To her, that is the height of rudeness, and she will not tolerate it from anyone, regardless of personal cost. She’ll declare war in order to set the record straight and to cleanse humanity of disrespect. It’s all quite deep and unclear, but it triggers the same reaction every time. Another friend of mine will not accept any excuse under the sun as to why a toilet-seat cover is not left in the ‘down’ position. No logic and no reason and no explanation and no apology would suffice. To her, it is simply unacceptable, and that’s that! Others might argue that she is being selfish to demand that her preferences be accommodated, at the expense of other people’s requirements. But she’ll have none of it. It’s just wrong in her mind — much like those who will not budge from their religious, social, or political beliefs.