The following are approximately the first 1000 words from Chapter 12 of Jonar Nader’s book,
How to Lose Friends and Infuriate Your Boss.

Welcome to the gossip club:

Mum’s the word

The modern work environment comprises disparate divisions whose dislocated mobile workers tend to travel frequently, or they tend to work from their home or car. As a result, office cliques are not able to form so readily. This is why I encourage the formation of Gossip Clubs. Juicy gossip can make a gathering much more interesting when people can talk about who said what to whom, and why.

The Gossip Clubs that I form tend to produce life-long friendships linked by a common past. Members meet for lunch or dinner and go through some slapstick rituals just for fun. We exchange war stories and travel notes, and we discuss our industry, its people, and the funny things that happened to us on the way to the forum.

Regardless of how much we dislike someone, or how loyal we are to each other, we all know the two basic rules. The first stipulates that each meeting ought to foster uplifting experiences, and it must not deteriorate into a whinge session. We look at life in a bright and happy way, and we exchange useful or amusing information. Club members are discouraged from setting out to harm anyone’s reputation or career. The second rule is that we are not allowed to discuss anything that was originally told to us in ‘confidence’ by a colleague or by our boss or clients. Gossip must have limits within the confines of ethics.

It is acceptable to have fun at work, but never at other people’s expense. The golden rule is that confidential information must never be divulged. Employees must learn to treat private or confidential information as if it were sacred.

People who know that I can keep a secret come to me with, ‘I shouldn’t be telling you this, but I know I can trust you.’ The moment anyone says that to me, I react with, ‘I don’t want to know.’ I remind them that they were told something in confidence by someone who thought that they could be trusted. Evidently not. It is amazing how people seem to think that secrets have an expiry date, usually triggered by an argument. For example, many would say, ‘John told me this in confidence, but I want to tell you about it because I had a fight with him and I don’t like him any more.’ Never trust anyone who is prepared to betray another person’s confidence.

Learn to take a hint

A colleague of mine was writing a staff newsletter in which he was penning a creative but naughty poem about a girl called Mary-Lou. The poem was harmless, and it named a few members of staff, including the manager. What my colleague did not know was that the manager had recently told me of a new mistress he was seeing, called Mary-Lou. They had several clandestine meetings, and he was unsure how to handle the situation because he did not want his wife to find out about the affair. When I was proof-reading the newsletter I urged my colleague to select a different name. He would not listen. He said, ‘If you don’t tell me why I should change the name, I will keep it in.’ The silly man was placing me in an impossible position. I could not stress the point too strongly, lest I spark suspicion.

I could hardly tell him that the boss was having an affair. When the newsletter was published, the boss hit the roof. I explained that it was pure co-incidence and advised that he let the matter rest, but he, too, would not listen. The boss fired the writer, and in the process, the writer became aware of Mary-Lou’s existence. Upon being fired, the writer felt that he had nothing more to lose, so he sent an e-mail to every employee, detailing why he was fired. The manager’s little secret was out.

Learning to take a subtle hint is a worthwhile sensitivity to hone. Managers often speak to each other in code. Throughout my career, there have been a limited number of trusted colleagues with whom I would speak in code. We used our symbols, expressions, and hidden messages to warn each other about certain emerging dangers. We would protect each other fully, but we were also bound by our ethics as professionals who would not divulge secrets, not even to each other. So we would give each other certain friendly clues. When ‘timing’ was an important part of a battle, it was not uncommon for my colleague to say, ‘I can’t tell you what I know, but trust me, the climate is not right for you to raise your concerns at today’s meeting.’

Who will rid me of this meddlesome priest?

Late one afternoon, my CEO rushed into my office and asked me to travel interstate that evening. He wanted me to join him on an emergency dash to one of our interstate offices because a large contract was in jeopardy and he wanted to act quickly to rectify some staffing problems, including the dismissal of the state manager — something that I later talked him out of doing.

When we both returned to our office the next morning, rumours had already circulated that we had flown in to remove the manager. The state manager telephoned to question the rationale behind the previous night’s emergency dash. I could not tell him that the CEO wanted to relieve him of his duties, and that I saved his career by convincing the CEO to give him another chance. Typical of this man’s problems, he immediately circulated the rumours that I was trying to get him dismissed. His loyal supporters believed that I was the enemy. At no time could I convince them otherwise because that would have necessitated my betraying the CEO’s confidence. To this day, that man is convinced that I was out to get him. He has no idea that I saved him. Injustices such as these abound.

Sometimes people in power cannot utter certain words for fear of retribution or for fear of compromising their position. As a result, they rely on their subordinates to take the hint and to act accordingly. There will be times when you need to execute a plan that might have been your manager’s idea, but for which you have to take the fall if it back-fires.